Chronically Something or Other
It took multiple attempts to put together this blog post. It first came to me as a result of not having posted one at all. I'd set the task on one of my many to-do lists “post a blog update" and without fail, I'd see it, tell myself I should really do that and then completely let it go. I've done it so many times now I almost felt the need to just post "Sorry, my brain is out of order" It feels like a pretty good excuse. I make excuses like it often. "Sorry, it slipped my mind. Sorry, I had so much going on. Sorry, I was just too tired." But what I really mean underneath all of it is “Sorry, I'm sort of sick.” Chronically ill. Under the weather. Indisposed.
I suffer from an inflammatory arthritis condition, as well as fibromyalgia. They've plagued me for years, since my teens. But I still don’t always have a handle on it, there are a lot of things that make the struggle harder.
I'm “too young”
I "don't look sick"
“Other people have it worse”
It's difficult sometimes, especially while connecting with others over social media to be surrounded by people with so much motivation and energy. They always seem ready and busy. The writers are always on about writing every day, how easy it is to MAKE the time for it, that you keep on hustling nonstop. For someone chronically ill, that just doesn't always work.
I have responsibilities that eat up a lot of energy, and sometimes I can't get a break. When your body is in revolt and you don't give it the rest it wants, every part of you suffers. Including the parts that just wanted a few minutes to create something. I have insomnia, I'm awake well past the time I want to be, but those are not productive hours for me at all. I'm fatigued often. My body will tense and ache if I try to sit too long, or just because it's a bad day. I often get migraines. But it’s also the brain fog that can be the biggest nightmare. There're days where I take twice the effort to speak to a person because I've suddenly forgotten half the English language, let alone where my sentences were supposed to be going. How am I supposed to work or write if I can’t focus my brain? Days like that scare me, make me wonder if I'll lose my focus so badly I won't manage to write anything again.
So I take breaks, step back, try to breathe and forgive myself. Not that there's anything to forgive, not everyone is built the same. We struggle differently. So your writing advice might not work for me. I work slowly, intermittently. This is how it goes. So don’t mind me over here forgetting to post things, or giving vague updates on my work in progress. I set my goals and then trip on my way there and I guess that's okay, maybe we're even on the same track. Chronically ill writers of the world, I see you.
No spoons left, only a pen.